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Strange but true stories of Catholic school.

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    Strange but true stories of Catholic school.

    First off yooz did not have to be Catholic to go, you needed to afford it. If you could pay the nuns let you in. Lets get that settled now.

    The girls bathroom was a great mystery to many of the boys because it was bigger and the girls always seemed to spend more time in it.

    One day this kid named benjamin went in there and was looking around in amazement at how clean it was and how it did not stink like roody poo. He was in there a good 5 minutes checking things out and just as he is about to leave he yells "They threw away fireworks in the trash!!" Then he bends down and starts pulling blood red tampons out of the trash can and stuffs them in his pants (ok, a string tampon that is bloody might look like a large red firework to some kids, give him the benefit of the doubt, he was also learning disabled)

    Anyway by the third tampon he notices the smell and the blood on his hands and starts to freak out and is screaming. The nuns run in and the girls are all huddled behind her starring daggers at Benji because they think he is some freak who was going to take these used tampons home with him and masturbate.

    Benjamin's pants were stained with blood, he smelled like blood and clams, he was nearly hysteric. His mother was called and he was sent home. He did not return for 2 weeks. The nuns told us that he thought the tampons were big red crayons and it was just an unfortunate accident. It was there way of trying to cover for him so everyone would not think he was a pervert.

    They also made you go to confession even if you were not catholic. This one boy was asking "what should I confess?" So Scott, a Baptist, is telling everyone this whole confession stuff is bullshit and you don't need to sit in some both with some priest. Then he goes, "just say you masturbating once".

    This other kid chimes in, "I did not do that at all this week" But Scott was sort of a bully and all the other boys went along with it. After confession you received a penance like say 5 hail Marys or something. All the boys were asking each other what each others penance was. Each kid says 50 Our fathers and 50 Hail Marys. Philip says he only got 10 hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers.

    Scott was like WTF, then Philip said he confessed he did not do his homework instead of saying he masturbated. Now everyone was pissed off at Scott for making them confess masturbation.

    Then the nuns got angry because all the boys were at the pews saying their penance and it was taking like 30 minutes to do 50/50 Marys and Fathers. So she tells them to finish up their penances at home.

    The we go to mass because they made you do that too on certain holy days.

    So Scott, the Baptist, goes up to receive holy communion because they made everyone do that too. He thought the Catholic version of communion was also bullshit. He said at his church they ate bread and had grape juice, not some little circle thing. So Scott, instead of receiving the host in his hands and putting it in his mouth receives it on his tongue, then he turns towards all of us with the host still on his tongue and he blows real hard sending it flying like a frisbee, it bounces of this girls head and lands on the floor.

    That is sacrilege, and the priest and altar boys run to that fallen host and pick it up, it was later dissolved in holy water. Scott meanwhile is laughing and running for the exit of the church being chased by the nuns.

    They beat the shit out of him with rulers and he was expelled for a month.

    Yeah, well..some kids will do anything to get outta school.


      One time we were at the park because on certain days they would lead us all to the nearest park and let us run amok. This one kid had matches and he gathered some of us under the bleachers and we all decided it would be cool to light the bleachers on fire.

      Those fucking matches sucked, hardly any of them lit up. The bleachers would not burn due to this thick green paint. This other kid pulls out a lighter and it's like some scene from a horror movie where you need to light a torch and the lighter is just flicking sparks. So we gave the fuck up.


        I started reading a story about Catholics not so long ago, a delightful little tale about an order of nuns invested in teaching women the sinful evils of their wicked ways. It had a lot of pictures in it, which helps. Of penitents with ankle spreader bars, gigantic labial piercings and corkscrew anal dildos, to name but a few of the educational aids employed.

        All I can say is that those catholics are a weird bunch of fuckers. No wonder the commie marxists in the democratic party want to turn the US muslim.