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Friends, Romans, Cunts...

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  • Friends, Romans, Cunts...

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    As the first half of 2017 draws to a close, it is with a heavy heart and as much gravitas as is seemly that I announce to you all that it would appear that your favourite forum and mine is (as they say in the classics) in the poop. Kaka. Cactus. However you choose to paint it, the posts just ain't rolling in like they used to.

    But let's not just take my word for it; why don't we take a look at The Retard Farm's very own metrics on the subject instead...

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    Gosh I love charts, don't you? They spell it out so clearly at a glance. And in this case, that glance is enough to tell you the story - namely that The Retard Farm is fucked. No wonder Bra1n is out there toying with ideas of social media ambassadors and groveling to the people he's fucked over.

    Now some might say this is a result of certain people being banned or (as was in Brent's case) suddenly up and vanishing mid-cry, the truth is there is no single person that the downturn of interest may be laid squarely at the door of. Forum post count has been dwindling for some time now; 2017 (red) are running roughly at two thirds that of the same time in 2016 (blue). I've heard plenty of excuses for this sorry and sordid state of affairs, none of them addressing a solution to the problem. Which is all very well and good, pointing the finger of blame can be quite comforting to the lesser intellect but it doesn't actually get us anywhere.

    One such excuse was that site activity ebbs and flows. Which is true of course, though from the graph above I might be forgiven for concluding they're in the middle of the longest fucking ebb in existence. Perhaps the unwashed dumbass responsible for attempting to market it as such might be better advised to turn on the tap every once in a while. You know, fill the fucking pool instead of shuffling posts to and fro about the forum or seeing just how tenuous her "discretionary judgments" have to get before the head trannyfucker puts her over his knee and gives her a little spanking.

    "Life happens and people get busy"... well if that's the case then perhaps someone might like to explain this next metric.
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    Well golly gee Mistah Kotter, new threads are up on last year! Well, except for January. I guess that's got to be all down to Pox Moulder taking up residence in Chapter 7 and spamming the shit out of the index page, yeah? Oh, and the Transsexual Womens Auxilliary of Poojabbers' much vaunted daily Life Hacks series of course. Maybe someone should read those sometime, there might be some stellar advice on how to turn around dwindling post counts.

    Somehow I doubt that's the whole story though. Apart from the massive spike in page views from those two spiders Bra1n had to ban after they took the site offline in March, page views themselves have been mostly in the ballpark for their corresponding 2016 figures...
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    ...thusly. Meaning that apart from the flurry of activity surrounding the PYP in April, people have had the time to look as much as they ever did, they just haven't been fucked to actually post.

    Oh, and those two bots that Bra1n banned...
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    ...were responsible for over a 60% drop in users online between March and April??? Better explain that one to Brent, I seem to recall him saying he was going to revive the flagging fortunes of The Retard Farm with is all-star cast for the PYP event. Post count certainly skyrocketed appreciably, yet the audience was nearly a third of the previous month and half that of 2016.

    And it hasn't picked up since either. PII disclosures couldn't revive it. Trannyporn couldn't revive it. Repeated bawwings about showering and billeting arrangements couldn't revive it. Life Hacks, forum whore selfies, hand couriered telegrams from the Willagee Swampdonkey... you get the idea. Your forum's fucked and nobody seems willing and/or capable of saving it; time to make the decision of either fixing it or yanking the plug on its life support.

  • #2
    "Meanwhile at TRF"


    • #3
      Wouldn't surprise me in the least. Vixen was quite adamant that such trifles were things they never worried about, yet bugger me if it isn't their very first go-to when discussing the fortunes of sites like... Flame Truth for instance.

      Shit, they're even trying to send their callouts over here. Be still my beating heart, The Retard Farm fancies someone else a charity case? Purlease, OBIWannaJackOff has been pulling his beard out trying to come up with ways to revive interest in the forum's flagship title and is practically slobbering at any and all instances of fracas with "why don't you two take it to a callout". I could answer that for him, though he wouldn't appreciate my candour on the subject and certainly couldn't be fucked going the hard yards to fix the situation even if he knew how.


      • #4
        Let's see if the following offer from yours truly can't inspire some tangible activity at the barren halls of PII Fail....

        Originally posted by Abstract Pork
        I'm pretty sure that...
        Ohhh fuck, here we go...

        Originally posted by Abstract Pork
        But you got me. I'm totally guilty of changing my mind and doing the opposite of what I originally stated. Gee, who else has done that? Lemme see... oh right. The Walking Dead extra with a long mop that makes pubic hair on toilet rims look stylish in comparison, who said he was done addressing me and </snip>
        I told you "ciao", fuckbreath. Not my fault you are so woefully uneducated and downright retarded you couldn't Google a definition, though Blandscape figured it out within the first five minutes, go figure. Not bad for a guy you insist on casting as TLTBW, but then you always were one for gimping out on anyone who was (a) smarter than you and (b) actually prepared to give you the time of day.

        But if you're so sure "ciao" meant "goodbye forever" (it doesn't), mind explaining what possessed you to keep jawing on at me when it was obvious I wasn't bothering with you directly? It wouldn't have anything to do with your desire to be seen as a "hard man" acting out his fantasy of being like the heels of WWE in between sucking up my ass for approbation, groveling unseemly with flowery praise for calling it straight whether I was addressing doctors, god botherers or out of work jobbers with atomic wedgies who self medicate to the gills, eh Abstract Pork?

        See,I know you crave approval, I know you bailed in mid cry in part because I told you flat out you were behaving like a spoiled child and your cosseted low tier radio announcers ego couldn't deal with the fact that I didn't care to read your "little present" you had earmarked for me two weeks ago, any more than I care to see you pumping out the same limpwristed "trolls" that are as transparent and repetitious as anything pumped out in the name of "sports entertainment". Newsflash Mongo-man, I don't find their formulaeic third-grader Mills and Boon bullshit "entertaining" by any means and that goes triple for any clown who tries to ape it only to keep coming up appallingly short. And fat. And acne-scar ridden and whatever else you've got going on in your drab, broken life.

        Chew on that, fucknuckle.

        Originally posted by Abstract Pork
        It didn't occur to me at all. You know why? Because I don't care. I made this challenge in an attempt at a fun row with one of the best, just like I would and have done with you at various places. You see, the reason for the callout and the set up is a lot less sinister than you think. It's not about a W or some bling
        Bullshit. See below.

        Originally posted by Abstract Pork
        And yes, I'm well aware you don't like matches. Ever since Bummy broke a broom handle off in your ass in the Thunderdome</snip>
        Well that would make him and I even then, since I'd already successfully defended the BH WFC title against him previously. I know that's a little factoid you like to pretend never happened when I'm boots deep in your overstretched mocha mudslide and moulding it into a party-sized ashtray, much as you like to pretend that the reasons for his win owed nothing to admin intervention. Doomsday was every bit as crap at enforcing his own house rules as TWAP is, he sure as fuck couldn't be bothered enforcing the nuances of a "no time limit" stip, but you keep babbling your bullshit and see if it makes any difference to the colonic stompings that are regularly visited on your suicidal and emo ass Smedley McSnivelpot.

        Originally posted by Abstract Pork
        Don't like them? Don't do them. Alternately, If you aren't interested in judging, should he accept, just say so.
        Oh, I'll judge you alright and I don't need your permission to do so. Question is are you prepared to have it count towards the pool of slavering yobbos that infest this fuckfest of iniquity.... and I think we all know the answer to that one. You're too busy masturbating over the entire stupidity of being judged by your merits (or lack thereof) to be bothered with doing anything truly entertaining which is why you keep popping up like an overly pungent stench of simpering fail whenever anything that looks like a name shows up only to deliver the same trite and played out pre-show re-runs that have made you the laughing stock of the entire community.

        But who knows, maybe Bum will take pity on your washed up and wedgied ass. If I were you I wouldn't be drawing his attention to how loudly you cried about the proposed eleventh hour match between myself and Johnny that would have all but guaranteed you an actual opponent in your first title run at the Lame Chimp banner this year, he might think you're as worthless as a monthful of kindergarten inspired emulations of the Flame4Cash back catalog.

        Originally posted by Abstract Pork
        SSS... I wasn't aware of the BH back and forth between you two, but it sounds like it would've been a good read.
        There's a lot of shit you aren't aware of. SSS's utter failure to impress the heads of BH's premier raiding team was one of them. Glad to see you find him a worthy read; I guess what with the war of attrition on the powerflamers he must be head and shoulders above the rest in the eyes of unimaginative gimps such as yourself.

        Francis Bacon must be spinning in his grave.


        • #5
          Meanwhile in news just to gland.. I mean HAND...

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          Internal Server Error

          The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.
          No shit? Last time it was a DDoS attack. Before that it was rats gnawing off the testicles of the hamster powered treadmill supplying the electricity, or spiders going apeshit with requests to see Flea's teeth. Why not just admit it and be done with it; the guy running the show is an incompetent fuckup who can't configure his own shit.

          Please contact the server administrator at to inform them of the time this error occurred, and the actions you performed just before this error.
          Five fucking minutes ago, right after I'd returned from the shop across the street where I was buying me some guava nectar. Not that it's any of your fucking business ya two-bit-a-month-site-owning cheapass chump.

          And don't bother telling me to email the fucking webmaster at an address that's down, you down syndrome clown

          More information about this error may be available in the server error log.
          "More lame fucking excuses" you mean. Fix your fucking site.

          Additionally, a 500 Internal Server Error error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.
          Don't care. Fix your fucking site!