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    I spit at thee, God, with all the saliva I can muster up after unknowingly sucking a couple Smurf dicks over there. Is my current situation Your fault? 50/50.

    There I was - sitting awkwardly while chanting an ancient incarnation. I had gotten to the part where I hum as deeply as I possibly can, forcing my Adam's apple to my collar bones. My eyes popped right open, scanning the room for my communication device. It wasn't there, so I couldn't even hear the response of

    Like when men lose wallets, panic hits suddenly and very hard. I tore every room apart, spitting on the carpet on my out. I was crazed, not lazed like I normally am. Then I overheard my goddamn washing machine at war and I looked up to the sk... ceiling and impersonated the last line of La Bamba - "Richiiieeee!!!"

    My hands were wetter with smelly coffee sweat than my soaked phone was. If there is a Devil and/or God out there, They both laughed hard if they were peeking in on me at the right moment. You both owe me one; and Mr Satan - if you strap me into a metal chair and use those Clockwork Orange things to keep my Peeping Tom's open having to watch that one minute over and over until I burst out laughing at myself - You won't have a devious Plan B to fall back to because I'll rust those things to my face and look like an authentic Cenobite. That's right, I'll be the cool outlier I've always been.

    To dash right to the point, my i5 drowned. That's a pretty painless way to die, I hear. I trumpled down to a Verizon store to tear the fucking place apart only to receive the Key to the City award. Thank fuck for Xanax and alcohol, they made the drive there tolerable.

    No line when I walked inside. A smiling woman beckoned me over with a nice smile on her face that I was about to crush, which became my mission. I stomped on over dead-faced and sat on the closest chair to her before pulling it even closer so she could breathe in my coffee breath. She's obviously a part-time magician because her smile vanished immediately. Then dropped from there because our conversation went like this:

    her: how can I get rid of you as fast as I can?

    SSS: Do you still sell i4S phones any more?

    her: *deep frown* No.

    SSS: Fuck! Listen honey, I have a pair of high heels with a matching purse to put that enormous new i into, but I'm just not ready to get pregnant yet.

    her: She then stormed over to some shuck, pointing at me, accidentally spitting in his face more than once while she barked.

    he: Came over with a high pitched voice and so right then and there I got up and chose the furthest chair from my new indentured servant. I just mad dogged the faggot with my best dead-pan. I stood up and left without saying a word.

    I ordered a brand new iphone 4S. They are small, somewhat heavier than the ones right after it, and its earphone hole is in the place. I pray I'm able to swap sticks with my old one so my leery acquaintances won't disappear.

    Ca...can I get a hug here? I need one more than Richie's mother in La Bamba...

    - Cryin' in the raaaaain (Every Brothers)

  • #2
    Sorry about your luck.

    I miss my 4S. Gave mine away to a co-worker. (Hopefully it lives on.) The headphone jack does indeed belong at the top of a phone, not at the bottom, and certainly not missing altogether.

    "10 year challenge champ"


    • #3
      What a coincidence - I was given an iPhone 4S last year. Can't say that I'm a great fan of the platform (pretty much anything after the Apple IIe sucked ass) but it makes and receives calls and that's pretty much all I want out of any phone. I turned down the offer of a Samsung Galaxy around Christmas because of it.

      No, the phone I really miss was my first Nokia. It was pre-digital and you could be miles from anywhere and still make calls. I remember once being over 50 miles from the nearest cell tower and making solid connections over some pretty hilly terrain; over water it was probably further but I never got the chance to test that before everything went digital.

      By contrast the service today is shithouse, but at least you can load up the phones today with a bunch of easy listening tunes to stop you from slamming the recalcitrant device through the nearest wall while trying to order pizza.

      For instance....

      Ahhhhh, I feel so much better now.

      "I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable. I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do."
      - Robert A. Heinlein


      • #4
        I never use headphones anymore... automatic bluetooth house to vehicle and back.

        Sounds so much better than rubber fingertips earfucking you while their two plastic coated copper pubes tickle cheeks and neck...


        • #5
          You don't say?

          "I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable. I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do."
          - Robert A. Heinlein


          • #6
            Originally posted by Oderus Urungus View Post
            You don't say?

            I can say as I'm in the habit of loudly cursing out loud about ear and neck discomfort to the extent it ruins the marginally better audio with my vocalizations.. 😁


            • #7
              I'll readily admit I've been spoiled when it comes to the auditory department. Not that those AKGs above really qualify as audiophile equipment, even if they are a significant improvement over the kinds of noise that 5 millimeter drivers produce. Some will bitch that 220 grams is just too excessive and makes their necks all flaccid and floppy with fatigue, others will moan that their size is just too big for them to comfortably deal with. Not my problem - I have a fully functioning spine and with the amount of hair I have dangling from the old brainbox you scarcely notice when my K121's are on.

              So comfortable too; the earpads rest lightly on the jug handles, thereby completely avoiding the accumulation of ear wax that ear buds promote and eventually succumb to, along with the associated ear fatigue and elevated hearing loss that is a hallmark of having a sound source so close to the eardrum, even for relatively short periods.

              And the richness of the sound... fuck! For an entry level set of open-backed headphones you'd be hard put to find better for the measly USD$90 they sting you for at the till. Well, unless you're fortunate enough to find them on sale somewhere. I picked mine up for CAD$70 a couple of years ago after the preceeding pair of CAD$120 closed back Shure SRH440s quite literally disintegrated due to cold weather and crappy manufacture. Those sounded like shit compared to the K121s too and they sure weren't anywhere near as comfortable to wear for long periods. You soon get to learn in my trade that if you're looking for a quality build and design at a reasonable price then you head straight to Germany and their neighbours and quit dicking about with the cost-cutting capers of US manufacturers.

              AKG have a limited range of on-ear bluetooth cans too. I've not tried them out myself so I can't comment on their sound, but a quick scan of their product page reveals that three of the four contain gimball related designs which have proven in my experience to be the first point of failure in most instances. The specs aren't bad, though out of necessity they are close backed to minimise feedback when using them to make phonecalls and I've always found open backed cans to give a more even sound. Still, if you ever find yourself gawking at the headphone aisle at your local JB-Hifi it might help you to know what you're looking for, so....

              "I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable. I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do."
              - Robert A. Heinlein